Booking (fuckedy , fuck, fuck, fuck)

Last week things were going so well. I had the basic tracks down for the record and began to hand it out to people and get really positive feedback. I got crazy number of hits on this web site and mattjohnsonmusic.org due to the fact that I put my songs up there and people were listening to them...

I decided I was going to use the energy that this gave me, do some research, find some cool places to play and get some gigs so I could go play this new music that I was/am so excited about. I sent emails to four or five places that I thought were sure things thinking I would have a gig scheduled within a couple of days. It is nearly a week later and I haven't heard a damn thing.

Now I realize that this is partly my fault since I am sending emails and trying to use MP3s instead of going into places and demanding time to play. But here is the thing: I fucking hate doing that!!! I dont just hate it, I despise it. It sends chills up my spine to just think about it. Perhaps it is fear of rejection... Ok, not perhaps... It is the FEAR OF REJECTION!!! If I bring it in and hand it to the person who does the booking I can no longer say 'maybe they didn't get it' (like I am doing right now). If I don't get a call it means only one thing, I suck and I deserve to die. OK, my lack of confidence isn't that bad but every time I drop off a demo and get no response it leaves me questioning not just my ability as a songwriter but questioning myself. It is not like being told I suck at hockey (which I am told often) or baseball or any other "hobby," it is like being told I suck at life. My song writing is so intimate and so important to me that when I here that someone doesn't like it, it is like they don't like me. This might be unfair and untrue but it pervades any move I make w/ my music. So that is why I love (luv on the new Ryan Adams record, which is terrific btw) impersonal means getting this stuff out there (like the internet). If I just send out an email I can tell myself that there is something other than my songs that got in the way. As wonderful as that out is, and it is wonderful, it has left me gigless (spellcheck isn't going to like that word). I suppose it is time to stop making excuses and fix that.

My goal for next week is to bring a CDs to a couple of local music establishment and do a follow up call to make sure that it has been listened to. I will post the results here, success or failure. Or at least that is the goal...